I love my playa, Miami Beach, for its blue-green waters, miles of sandy shore, and its generous acceptance of nalgas of all shapes and sizes — in all manners of exposure.
Big ones, little ones, dimply ones, tanned ones, toned ones, youthful ones, and really, too-old-to-be-shown ones.
In the least pervy way I could, I spent a few days this week studying nalgas on Miami Beach because I am unhappy with my own and want to spring it back to its more youthful shape, or something in semi-close resemblance, at least.
Like a scientist — or professional people-watcher that I am — I calculated the size, weight and age of beach-goers in an attempt to determine if it even is possible to achieve lovely, toned nalgas in ones 40s. (Nobody shows enough butt in Tennessee for me to conduct my experiment.)
Unscientific Results: It appears possible to get bootyful and tanga bikini-worthy …(if I act now!) I saw plenty of “older” women with bottoms that don’t sag down their backsides.
Or, truth be told, the other option is to just not give a flip how big the butt is and put the G-string on anyway. However, my shame/modesty is too great to show my masas publicly that way. (Obviously, hundreds of women, of all nationalities, sun-bathing on Miami Beach no les importa one bit. I wish.)
Earlier this summer, as I was whining about the expansion of my posterior, a friend who has lost 85 pounds through diet and exercise pointed me toward Brazil Butt Lift, a DVD exercise program by Brazilian trainer Leandro Carvalho designed to reshape el “bum bum.”
So, I did a little research.
Getting the Perfect Nalgas
There is Butt Mania happening out there and I had no idea. OK, I knew we as a Latin people have long been butt hyper-aware, but apparently, so is everyone else now. (Do we thank Jennifer Lopez or Kim Kardashian for this?)
I found information on butt lifts, butt exercise programs, butt reduction, butt implants. And even some battery-powered contraption that fixes your butt for you while you watch TV! Who knew?
And check out this “bubble butt” workout on the popular Body Rock TV. Me muero.
I have decided — despite fabulous before and after photos — that no one will ever cut, or inject anything into, my nalgas, no matter how droopy they get. Personal choice, not judgment.
So, I am left to ponder a relationship with Leandro and my DVD player because I cannot pass his pencil test. I’m checking out the testimonials and thinking que si. I want to believe…
Until I pull the trigger and commit to Leandro, I’ve been sitting on my butt less, walking more and doing free workouts I have found online and On Demand.
First, on the walking playlist, plenty of Spanish nalga songs. (Thank you, Pitbull, you dirty, but inspirational cubanito.)
Here are some songs, though not all butt related. (Links are to YouTube videos):
- Pegale al Beat by Two Swing.
- Que Quiere la Nena by Akwid.
- C**O by Pitbull (NSFW).
- We no Speak Americano by Yolanda be Cool.
- Llama al Sol by Tito El Bambino.
- Zun Zun Rompiendo Caderas by Winsin & Yandel.
- Que Buena Tu Ta by Fuego featuring Deevani.
- La Vida es Bella by Ana Isabelle featuring Chino & Nacho. (See the video below)
Free Butt (Glute) Lift Workouts
Top 10 Exercises to Tone Your Butt, Fitness Magazine.
Free 20-minute Ballerina Butt workout from My Lifetime.
Exercise TV, which is available On Demand via Comcast, also has free exercises online, and some pretty reasonable workouts for download. I am doing the 10 Pound Slimdown, which also is available through iTunes.
The Pencil Test and Pastelitos
I just spent eight days in Miami visiting my family. I had two pastelitos on Day 7 of my visit. Total sacrilege and sacrifice for a cubanita! I usually have one or two a day when I am there, but I passed on them as a daily (a huge feat for me) because Julie informed me that one pastelito is worth 15 Weight Watchers points! That is more than half of the total points I would be allowed in one day.
I passed on the pastelitos because I am determined to pass that Pencil test.
How is your bum bum looking?
Want to borrow my pencil?