Que Pena: Embarrassing Sex Stories
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A friend recently told me her mother and she were cooking together when the elder turned to the younger — a married mother of two — and asked: “Have you ever had to fake it?”
Shock and embarrassment would be an understatement, si? But, my friend told her mother that no, she never had faked it.
My friend added: “She looked at me surprised and said “Que bueno. Pues yo sí!”
Ay, we had a rollicking good time talking about hilariously awkward, embarrassing and ridiculous sex conversations we’ve had in our families. Some of the advice is downright crazy and gut-busting.
Here’s one of mine, and the first story that came to mind during the talk with my friend:
The day after my wedding, my then-83-year-old Cuban grandmother pulled me close to her and whispered: “Te dolio?” (Did it hurt?)
Really. She did. I think I told her que no se preoccupe por mi. And quickly walked away.
Most Embarrassing Sex Stories
So, inspired by the crazy and funny sex advice stories — and with permission from Marta, who keeps me in check online — I have collected stories of sex advice and conversations Latinas have had with family and friends. Many are anonymous, to protect the innocent mamis y viejas.
But, getting us started are a couple of open book responses and then the funny, que pena rest.
Not on the Floor
My Suegra, who lives with us, wanted to bring home a rug she found in a neighbor’s garbage. I was trying to convince her not to when things took a turn. “The rug could be dirty,” I said.
She didn’t look convinced.
“Maybe those people smoke cigarettes. It’ll stink.”
She still seemed defiant.
“Maybe those people had sex on that carpet,” I blurted, knowing exactly how to disgust her.
“Ay, no!” she cried.
I smiled in satisfaction.
“Qué pecado! What sin! No, no, no,” she said, shaking her head, as if trying to dismiss the images that had entered her head. “Sex on the floor! That’s against God!”
I started to laugh. “Against God? What’s wrong with sex on the floor?”
She shook her head even more vigorously, her face pinched as if she’d throw up, disgusted that I found nothing wrong with it.
I imagine at this point she realized that her daughter-in-law was defending sex on the floor because, sin of all sins, her daughter-in-law had had sex on the floor… with her son!
“No!” she said, “It’s wrong, it’s wrong. God would condemn sex on the floor. It isn’t right.”
I smirked. “And Adam and Eve? You think they had a bed?”
– Tracy, Latina-ish. (You can read the whole story at her site.)
Why Don’t You Have a Boyfriend?
When I was in high school, my strict Cuban parents wouldn’t let me go out much, let alone have a boyfriend.
Well, I had a boyfriend for two years, but they never knew about him.
One day, my mom plum asked me: “Porque no tienes novio? Are you a lesbian?”
Imagine the look on my face.
I was 18, already in college and had lost my virginity to the first and sweetest love of my life! We would be together another six years and my parents finally had to accept him.
I guess, for her, that was better than me being gay. – Maria de los Angeles, Sex and the Beach.
Man not Rabbit
When I was 17, my mom asked me if I was having sex with my boyfriend.
I said no, that I had never had sex.
“Good,’’ she said, emphatically.
“Wait to have sex with a man. You don’t want to have sex with a rabbit.”
Made my Pastor say the M-Word
One time I was attending a conference with my church and my pastor was sitting next to me. The pastor who was preaching (in Spanish) was talking about keeping yourselves pure, and he said a word that I didn’t recognize.
So, I asked my pastor what he said. He hesitated BIG time and finally whispered…”masturbación”
So, little innocent me, asked “What’s that?” I must have been 13 or 14.
Then he repeated the word in English.
I dont think I have EVER been so mortified in my LIFE!
It happened in the kitchen, where the clanging of pots and pans could conceal a conversation.
“Are you using protection?” My mother asked, casually, as if she was asking if I had any fresh garlic.
I was 26 and living with my boyfriend, the man I would later marry, but I hadn’t understood my mom and I was naive enough to ask what she meant. She asked if my I was on “that pill.” She had heard something on talk radio about the pill causing cancer.
“No. I don’t take the pill.” It wasn’t a conversation I was prepared to have on a Saturday afternoon.
“Well are you using those condoms?” My mother continued. “Because you can’t trust that rhythm method…take it from me, I know.”
She had the knife in her hand, tapping her chest lightly.
Luckily my father walked in asking what was for dinner. Because, no – I didn’t want to know. While I appreciated the openness of the conversation, I wasn’t prepared to hear about my parent’s birth control methods.
And I certainly didn’t want to know if I was the product of a failed attempt.
Simple Marriage Advice: Just Do It
Before I got married I got a speech about how there may be days I’m tired after work, kids, etc, but that “El va a querer y tu vas a tener que darcelo.”
This is the marital sex advice I received: Always give it up ladies! Even if you have a headache.
Abuela on Boys
“Los hombres son como lo siguiente: “Prometer y prometer hasta meter, y despues de lo metido, nada de lo prometido.”
I almost died when she said that to me. I was probably around sixteen or so, virginal as they come.
What the hell, abuela? What the hell?
When I came home from college one summer, I told my mom I was on the pill, had gone to the doctor and had just started having sex. I was 20 and for several years she was on me about making sure I used protection when I started having sex. I guess I wanted to reassure her I was being smart.
Anyway, I waited to tell her while she was in the shower and behind the curtain because I didn’t want to face her.
She was silent for a minute and then asked: “Are you having orgasms?”
I almost passed out, but answered: “Um…not all the time.”
And she quickly said: “Then, he doesn’t know what he’s doing and you’d better teach him.”
I snuck out of the bathroom.
Good Advice Does Not Run in the Family
The most advice I had on sex from my mother was this: “Kissing is disgusting. You only do that – and everything else – when you’re married.”
The closest thing to advice from my grandmother was this: “Don’t comb your hair over your boobs or they’ll flatten.”
Everything else I learned in Health Class.
Saggy? Blame the Husband
My mother once told me: “Si tu marido toca tus te*as mucho, empiezan a caerse” I swear…where do they get these things?
Men are like Cats
When I was 18, my best friend and I were going on a double date. We were at my house getting ready and our dates came to pick us up.
My grandmother, who at the time was 84, answered the door. She let the boys in, but not before telling them: “Preocurren portarse bien con esa muchachitas.”
To which the guys tried to assure her that no foul play would be going on.
She then responded, “Esta bien, pero acurerdense, los hombres son como los gatos, cuando los tocan se le paran el rabo.”
I almost died. Que pena!
At any given time, during any conversation with my mom, she’ll start talking about the Bible and the many stories she has learned from it.
So, during one visit when my son was a newborn, my husband and I were sitting across from her, when she started telling us a story from the Biblia. I think she was making references to David, in discussing my son’s name, whom we named after one of the prophets.
From there, she spoke of King David’s fall out and somehow turned the conversation to sex. I was starting to feel a little uncomfortable because she never spoke to me about sex. But yet here she was, in front of my marido and me speaking about how oral and anal sex is a sin.
She told us where never to put our mouths and other parts and told us this sort of sex is the worst sin you can commit as a married couple. She told us God did not make these other parts for sex.
My husband still makes fun of that “special” moment, 12-years -ago. I’m surprised he didn’t walk out on me that afternoon.
Did I mention my mom had never spoken to me about sex before?
Share your awkward, embarrassing sex stories with the Tiki Tiki. We know you’ve got them! (And if you need translations, ask in the comments.)